Terrorist May Kill You But We Care About Cow Farts

Washington DC--With the looming threat of global warming, the United States is now finding more ways to destroy the atmosphere. This time cow farts are the problem. "Pudging cows will bring down the country quicker than we realize," commented former Vice President Al Gore as he chowed on a burger at Wendy's.

"The studies are inconclusive,"commented Garth Bryner from the Midvale Research Center, a non-profit think tank that operates in a Salt Lake City suburb. "We know that cows fart, we know that they pollute the environment. But we also know that trees clean up the air. What if they fart next to trees instead of in the open?"

Now the backlash against eating beef has begun nationwide. News reports are asking people to cut beef consumption, which in turn will lessen demand from cows. Another approach is to provide better accommodations for cattle. "If cattle are relaxed and not stressed, they fart less," commented Emery County insurance agent and part-time cattle rancher Tyler Jeffs. "I teach my cows, Yoga. They don't have a care in the world. They're cows remember, coooooows."

Carl Sandburg Jr., owner of restaurant chain Carl's Jr., also known as the Cow Butcher of the World, was asked if he expects hamburger demand to decline. "Don't bother me," he commented, "I'm eating."

Researchers from Utah State University are studying ways to harness the methane cow gasses by placing an attachment to the bovines' rear ends and contain the gasses in a plastic holder. "Imagine a larger Culligan water bottle hooked up to each cow," said Agriculture Studies president Ty Colbington. "Then we will safely dispose of those containers, ehhh somehow."

That positive thinking may be easier said than done. "What state will allow the contained cow gasses for disposal?" asked Utah Representative Jim Matheson. "And who wants that traveling through major metropolitan areas? All we need is one derailment and it will be like the train let a giant cow fart." Utah Senator Orrin Hatch says that the disposal will not be an issue. "We can just give it to the Indians," he commented.

Leaders from the animal rights group Moooooove-on.net are upset at the cows' treatment. "We're treating them like animals, or worse."

Some student groups at Utah State have also suggested harnessing the gasses from long-winded politicians. "Why there's more hot air coming from this democratic congress than we've had in a long time," stated Karl Rove, former advisor to President Bush. "I would bet that Harry Reed himself could power Las Vegas for the next decade."

Utah Governor John Huntsman and California Governor Arnold Schwartzenager signed an agreement to elimate trading beef from poluting cows by 2010. When pressed as to what Californians will eat without burgers, the governor commented, "We will eat turkey burgers, chicken burgers, soy burgers, ham burgers, oh wait not hamburgers, but pork burgers." The agreeement states that if any beef is provided from Utah cows, they must be cows that flatuate according to newly set EPA emission standards. "For too long our cows have been unregulated," said the California governor. "If we have to build a fence at the state border to keep these unwanted cows in their home state, then that's what we will do." That's all we need is a mass exodus at our border crossings. It would be a stampede." The governor has authorized the California border patrol to enforce keeping unwanted cows from crossing into the states. "Specifically that means when they ask if you're bringing in fruit from Nevada, they will also ask if you have have any farting cows in your vehicle as well," commented the state spokesman.

"I'd hate to have that job to be the emmissions tester," commented Bryner.

BYU Dorm Demo Creates the "Orange Brick" Program

PROVO--With the ongoing renovation of BYU's housing programs, school leadership has announced the creation of the "Orange Brick Club" as their latest school fundraiser. The scheduled demolition of the BYU's Deseret Towers will provide the school with over one million orange bricks, which were popular in the campus construction of building from the 1960s to buildings even constructed in the last few years. "We estimate there are over one million bricks in the building," said LaDell Romney of BYU's Facilties Management.

"We were contemplating what to do with all of these orange bricks once the towers are down," commented LeVar Jameson of the BYU facilities management department. "Do we just dump them in a river at night or take them to the landfill? Then it dawned on me, these orange bricks are like gold, gold I tell ya. Let's sell them back to the former students as a piece of history!"

The Alumni Association is offering the orange bricks for $100 each with funding going towards thier scholarship foundation. Students and alumni are already signing up to purchase a brick by logging onto http://www.orangebrickclub.byu.edu/donations.scholarshipfunds.iwannabuyone./

The school estimates being to sell all one-million bricks once the building is down. That should generate upwards of $100 million towards the scholarship fund. Many alumni are excited for the football prospects once that revenue is in place. "Can you say 1984 again?" said Mike Tucker who regularly blogs on Cougarboard.com. "Who's that guy that said Bronco won't ever call a time out right before the opposition kicks a field goal? That guy has no credibility...."

Initially, the school wanted to implode the building. "We've had several former students wanting to detonate the building and push the button," commented LaVar Wilson of BYU's engineering department. However, Provo City would not allow the school to do that because of dust concerns and scaring the elderly residents who live in the nearby neighborhoods. "We have enough of our senior citizens who go crazy during the Stadium of Fire during the Fourth of July. We don't need them going nuts when we destroy the dorms," responded LaDean Whitmer with Provo City. "They tend to run away with the loud noises until family members track them down." That has lead BYU to consider options to take down the old buildings. "What the heck do they expect us to do, take the dorms apart brick by brick?" asked Romney with the BYU.

That is exactly the approact the university is taking to dismantle the buildings. BYU wards, local scout troups, business organizations and other volunteer groups are being asked to donate time to the project in taking the bricks down. "We must keep the bricks in great condition," said LaMar Jensen who works for BYU in their animal science lab but makes bricks in his free time. "If we chip a brick, it devalues the worth of it. It's just like taking a $100 bill and tearing it."

Bryan Bryner, BYU Law School alumni has already signed up to purchase a brick. "I'm going to display it on my desk at work." His niece Anna Bryner has logged on to purchase five bricks, one for each sibling. "I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it, but I can sell lemonade and I'm going to start charging for my services, such as reading to the twins, teaching James to read, and my parents for my gentle, good-hearted nature," she commented.

"I'd probably buy one if I graduated there," said Garth Bryner, "but since I didn't they won't want my money."

"That's not true," commented LaPhil Marriott of BYU's public relations department. "We will gladly sell a brick to anyone who will shell out, ehhh I mean, would like a great piece of BYU history, regardless of their school affiliation."