I'm in the process of compiling quotes from one of my favorite shows, MASH. The sitcom that we've seen a gazillion times in reruns has such memorable writing adapted to the individual characters that makes it memorable. Here are some of my favorites, see if you can identify which character said each:
Frank Burns eats worms.
It's our Kim Lucky day.
..there's a little Captain Tuttle in all of us. You might say that together we all made up Tuttle.
It's home but we like to call it a tent.
"How much am I worth in cold, hard reality?" (Margaret) "I don't understand Margaret, do you need a loan?" (Frank)
"I didn't come here to be liked." (Frank) "You certainly came to the right place." (Radar)
"this song gives me goosebumps." (Margaret) "I'm the same way about Pennsylvania 6500." (Frank)
"We're cutting him open." (Hawkeye) "Just for stealing your underwear?"
"Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate."
"Colonel Clayton, this is General Blake."
"What's a nug, sir? A nug is a gun, sir."
Looks like the wind just broke his leg.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Oregon Waterfalls
Just outside of Portland along the Columbia River are great places to go hiking with spectacular views. I was there in mid-August for work and took advantage of the opportunity to get out and hike the waterfalls. Many of the trails wrap up the bluffs that overlook the river as they go alongside the tributary streams that feed the Columbia. Here are some photos I snapped.
"What does it take to get a guy like you into a car like this today?"
PHOENIX--Garth is now the owner of Ford Fusion. "I hope Brad Paisley and George Strait are not mad that I went to Ford Country this time around," commented Garth. Traditionally he has had GM vehicles including a Grand Am and Sierra trucks.
The Fusion is a pre-owned 2008 model with low mileage. It is a 4-liter engine with enough get up and go to bypass all the junkers crusing at 45mph on the 51 Hwy, while still being fuel efficient. It's a four-door model with a 5-speed manual transmission. Most importantly, it has one CD but for some reason is not able to play any classical or jazz music. "I'll have to take it in sometime and get that checked out, but it's not high on my priorities," said Garth. Until then, he plans on listening to country music, talk radio (but not Dr. Laura), and other music genres.
The car is a welcome change from the Sierra, which easily cost $80-100 in gas on a weekly basis. The Fusion's tank lasts well over a week. And it just happens to be the same color as the previous Sierra.
"The horn is excellent and I've already put it to good use driving south on 7th Street," said Garth during our interview.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Terrorist May Kill You But We Care About Cow Farts
Washington DC--With the looming threat of global warming, the United States is now finding more ways to destroy the atmosphere. This time cow farts are the problem. "Pudging cows will bring down the country quicker than we realize," commented former Vice President Al Gore as he chowed on a burger at Wendy's.
"The studies are inconclusive,"commented Garth Bryner from the Midvale Research Center, a non-profit think tank that operates in a Salt Lake City suburb. "We know that cows fart, we know that they pollute the environment. But we also know that trees clean up the air. What if they fart next to trees instead of in the open?"
Now the backlash against eating beef has begun nationwide. News reports are asking people to cut beef consumption, which in turn will lessen demand from cows. Another approach is to provide better accommodations for cattle. "If cattle are relaxed and not stressed, they fart less," commented Emery County insurance agent and part-time cattle rancher Tyler Jeffs. "I teach my cows, Yoga. They don't have a care in the world. They're cows remember, coooooows."
Carl Sandburg Jr., owner of restaurant chain Carl's Jr., also known as the Cow Butcher of the World, was asked if he expects hamburger demand to decline. "Don't bother me," he commented, "I'm eating."
Researchers from Utah State University are studying ways to harness the methane cow gasses by placing an attachment to the bovines' rear ends and contain the gasses in a plastic holder. "Imagine a larger Culligan water bottle hooked up to each cow," said Agriculture Studies president Ty Colbington. "Then we will safely dispose of those containers, ehhh somehow."
That positive thinking may be easier said than done. "What state will allow the contained cow gasses for disposal?" asked Utah Representative Jim Matheson. "And who wants that traveling through major metropolitan areas? All we need is one derailment and it will be like the train let a giant cow fart." Utah Senator Orrin Hatch says that the disposal will not be an issue. "We can just give it to the Indians," he commented.
Leaders from the animal rights group Moooooove-on.net are upset at the cows' treatment. "We're treating them like animals, or worse."
Some student groups at Utah State have also suggested harnessing the gasses from long-winded politicians. "Why there's more hot air coming from this democratic congress than we've had in a long time," stated Karl Rove, former advisor to President Bush. "I would bet that Harry Reed himself could power Las Vegas for the next decade."
Utah Governor John Huntsman and California Governor Arnold Schwartzenager signed an agreement to elimate trading beef from poluting cows by 2010. When pressed as to what Californians will eat without burgers, the governor commented, "We will eat turkey burgers, chicken burgers, soy burgers, ham burgers, oh wait not hamburgers, but pork burgers." The agreeement states that if any beef is provided from Utah cows, they must be cows that flatuate according to newly set EPA emission standards. "For too long our cows have been unregulated," said the California governor. "If we have to build a fence at the state border to keep these unwanted cows in their home state, then that's what we will do." That's all we need is a mass exodus at our border crossings. It would be a stampede." The governor has authorized the California border patrol to enforce keeping unwanted cows from crossing into the states. "Specifically that means when they ask if you're bringing in fruit from Nevada, they will also ask if you have have any farting cows in your vehicle as well," commented the state spokesman.
"I'd hate to have that job to be the emmissions tester," commented Bryner.
Washington DC--With the looming threat of global warming, the United States is now finding more ways to destroy the atmosphere. This time cow farts are the problem. "Pudging cows will bring down the country quicker than we realize," commented former Vice President Al Gore as he chowed on a burger at Wendy's.
"The studies are inconclusive,"commented Garth Bryner from the Midvale Research Center, a non-profit think tank that operates in a Salt Lake City suburb. "We know that cows fart, we know that they pollute the environment. But we also know that trees clean up the air. What if they fart next to trees instead of in the open?"
Now the backlash against eating beef has begun nationwide. News reports are asking people to cut beef consumption, which in turn will lessen demand from cows. Another approach is to provide better accommodations for cattle. "If cattle are relaxed and not stressed, they fart less," commented Emery County insurance agent and part-time cattle rancher Tyler Jeffs. "I teach my cows, Yoga. They don't have a care in the world. They're cows remember, coooooows."
Carl Sandburg Jr., owner of restaurant chain Carl's Jr., also known as the Cow Butcher of the World, was asked if he expects hamburger demand to decline. "Don't bother me," he commented, "I'm eating."
Researchers from Utah State University are studying ways to harness the methane cow gasses by placing an attachment to the bovines' rear ends and contain the gasses in a plastic holder. "Imagine a larger Culligan water bottle hooked up to each cow," said Agriculture Studies president Ty Colbington. "Then we will safely dispose of those containers, ehhh somehow."
That positive thinking may be easier said than done. "What state will allow the contained cow gasses for disposal?" asked Utah Representative Jim Matheson. "And who wants that traveling through major metropolitan areas? All we need is one derailment and it will be like the train let a giant cow fart." Utah Senator Orrin Hatch says that the disposal will not be an issue. "We can just give it to the Indians," he commented.
Leaders from the animal rights group Moooooove-on.net are upset at the cows' treatment. "We're treating them like animals, or worse."
Some student groups at Utah State have also suggested harnessing the gasses from long-winded politicians. "Why there's more hot air coming from this democratic congress than we've had in a long time," stated Karl Rove, former advisor to President Bush. "I would bet that Harry Reed himself could power Las Vegas for the next decade."
Utah Governor John Huntsman and California Governor Arnold Schwartzenager signed an agreement to elimate trading beef from poluting cows by 2010. When pressed as to what Californians will eat without burgers, the governor commented, "We will eat turkey burgers, chicken burgers, soy burgers, ham burgers, oh wait not hamburgers, but pork burgers." The agreeement states that if any beef is provided from Utah cows, they must be cows that flatuate according to newly set EPA emission standards. "For too long our cows have been unregulated," said the California governor. "If we have to build a fence at the state border to keep these unwanted cows in their home state, then that's what we will do." That's all we need is a mass exodus at our border crossings. It would be a stampede." The governor has authorized the California border patrol to enforce keeping unwanted cows from crossing into the states. "Specifically that means when they ask if you're bringing in fruit from Nevada, they will also ask if you have have any farting cows in your vehicle as well," commented the state spokesman.
"I'd hate to have that job to be the emmissions tester," commented Bryner.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
BYU Dorm Demo Creates the "Orange Brick" Program
PROVO--With the ongoing renovation of BYU's housing programs, school leadership has announced the creation of the "Orange Brick Club" as their latest school fundraiser. The scheduled demolition of the BYU's Deseret Towers will provide the school with over one million orange bricks, which were popular in the campus construction of building from the 1960s to buildings even constructed in the last few years. "We estimate there are over one million bricks in the building," said LaDell Romney of BYU's Facilties Management.
"We were contemplating what to do with all of these orange bricks once the towers are down," commented LeVar Jameson of the BYU facilities management department. "Do we just dump them in a river at night or take them to the landfill? Then it dawned on me, these orange bricks are like gold, gold I tell ya. Let's sell them back to the former students as a piece of history!"
The school estimates being to sell all one-million bricks once the building is down. That should generate upwards of $100 million towards the scholarship fund. Many alumni are excited for the football prospects once that revenue is in place. "Can you say 1984 again?" said Mike Tucker who regularly blogs on Cougarboard.com. "Who's that guy that said Bronco won't ever call a time out right before the opposition kicks a field goal? That guy has no credibility...."
Initially, the school wanted to implode the building. "We've had several former students wanting to detonate the building and push the button," commented LaVar Wilson of BYU's engineering department. However, Provo City would not allow the school to do that because of dust concerns and scaring the elderly residents who live in the nearby neighborhoods. "We have enough of our senior citizens who go crazy during the Stadium of Fire during the Fourth of July. We don't need them going nuts when we destroy the dorms," responded LaDean Whitmer with Provo City. "They tend to run away with the loud noises until family members track them down." That has lead BYU to consider options to take down the old buildings. "What the heck do they expect us to do, take the dorms apart brick by brick?" asked Romney with the BYU.
That is exactly the approact the university is taking to dismantle the buildings. BYU wards, local scout troups, business organizations and other volunteer groups are being asked to donate time to the project in taking the bricks down. "We must keep the bricks in great condition," said LaMar Jensen who works for BYU in their animal science lab but makes bricks in his free time. "If we chip a brick, it devalues the worth of it. It's just like taking a $100 bill and tearing it."
Bryan Bryner, BYU Law School alumni has already signed up to purchase a brick. "I'm going to display it on my desk at work." His niece Anna Bryner has logged on to purchase five bricks, one for each sibling. "I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it, but I can sell lemonade and I'm going to start charging for my services, such as reading to the twins, teaching James to read, and my parents for my gentle, good-hearted nature," she commented.
"I'd probably buy one if I graduated there," said Garth Bryner, "but since I didn't they won't want my money."
"That's not true," commented LaPhil Marriott of BYU's public relations department. "We will gladly sell a brick to anyone who will shell out, ehhh I mean, would like a great piece of BYU history, regardless of their school affiliation."
"We were contemplating what to do with all of these orange bricks once the towers are down," commented LeVar Jameson of the BYU facilities management department. "Do we just dump them in a river at night or take them to the landfill? Then it dawned on me, these orange bricks are like gold, gold I tell ya. Let's sell them back to the former students as a piece of history!"
The Alumni Association is offering the orange bricks for $100 each with funding going towards thier scholarship foundation. Students and alumni are already signing up to purchase a brick by logging onto http://www.orangebrickclub.byu.edu/donations.scholarshipfunds.iwannabuyone./
The school estimates being to sell all one-million bricks once the building is down. That should generate upwards of $100 million towards the scholarship fund. Many alumni are excited for the football prospects once that revenue is in place. "Can you say 1984 again?" said Mike Tucker who regularly blogs on Cougarboard.com. "Who's that guy that said Bronco won't ever call a time out right before the opposition kicks a field goal? That guy has no credibility...."
Initially, the school wanted to implode the building. "We've had several former students wanting to detonate the building and push the button," commented LaVar Wilson of BYU's engineering department. However, Provo City would not allow the school to do that because of dust concerns and scaring the elderly residents who live in the nearby neighborhoods. "We have enough of our senior citizens who go crazy during the Stadium of Fire during the Fourth of July. We don't need them going nuts when we destroy the dorms," responded LaDean Whitmer with Provo City. "They tend to run away with the loud noises until family members track them down." That has lead BYU to consider options to take down the old buildings. "What the heck do they expect us to do, take the dorms apart brick by brick?" asked Romney with the BYU.
That is exactly the approact the university is taking to dismantle the buildings. BYU wards, local scout troups, business organizations and other volunteer groups are being asked to donate time to the project in taking the bricks down. "We must keep the bricks in great condition," said LaMar Jensen who works for BYU in their animal science lab but makes bricks in his free time. "If we chip a brick, it devalues the worth of it. It's just like taking a $100 bill and tearing it."
Bryan Bryner, BYU Law School alumni has already signed up to purchase a brick. "I'm going to display it on my desk at work." His niece Anna Bryner has logged on to purchase five bricks, one for each sibling. "I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it, but I can sell lemonade and I'm going to start charging for my services, such as reading to the twins, teaching James to read, and my parents for my gentle, good-hearted nature," she commented.
"I'd probably buy one if I graduated there," said Garth Bryner, "but since I didn't they won't want my money."
"That's not true," commented LaPhil Marriott of BYU's public relations department. "We will gladly sell a brick to anyone who will shell out, ehhh I mean, would like a great piece of BYU history, regardless of their school affiliation."
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Salt Lake Sees Lack of Eye Doctors
SALT LAKE CITY--Residents of the expanding metropolitan area of the Salt Lake Valley are feeling the effects of growth from increased commute time, more construction, busier stores and post offices and now a longer wait time for services such as optometry.
"I called a month ago to go see an eye doctor," said Bryan Bryner, attorney in Salt Lake. "I need new contacts bad," he said. Friends say that Bryan has needed new contacts for awhile.
"At first I thought he was just a really bad softball player," commented his roommate Chad Nelson, "I mean he would strike out.....in softball and we're pitching to our own team."
"We just wanted to put Bryan into right field," said his friend Rocky who wished to remain ananamous. "I mean, who hits it to right field?"
"I noticed that he may be having problems when he continues to run the dishwasher on clean dishes that I have just ran," said his brother Garth. "And when I showed him the shelves we built in the basement, he stood with his back to the shelves and facing the concrete basement wall telling me they look great."
Other witnesses in the area have reported Bryan stumbling down the front porch steps, tripping on the sidewalk and trying to open up other residents' Ford trucks in the morning to get to work.
"I have an appointment for October sometime, but I can't seem to find where I wrote down the doctor's phone number to confirm the appointment," he commented.
"I called a month ago to go see an eye doctor," said Bryan Bryner, attorney in Salt Lake. "I need new contacts bad," he said. Friends say that Bryan has needed new contacts for awhile.
"At first I thought he was just a really bad softball player," commented his roommate Chad Nelson, "I mean he would strike out.....in softball and we're pitching to our own team."
"We just wanted to put Bryan into right field," said his friend Rocky who wished to remain ananamous. "I mean, who hits it to right field?"
"I noticed that he may be having problems when he continues to run the dishwasher on clean dishes that I have just ran," said his brother Garth. "And when I showed him the shelves we built in the basement, he stood with his back to the shelves and facing the concrete basement wall telling me they look great."
Other witnesses in the area have reported Bryan stumbling down the front porch steps, tripping on the sidewalk and trying to open up other residents' Ford trucks in the morning to get to work.
"I have an appointment for October sometime, but I can't seem to find where I wrote down the doctor's phone number to confirm the appointment," he commented.
RC Willey Says No to BYU Students
PROVO--Local furniture giant RC Willey has banned BYU students from shopping at their stores during football games. "We want to accommodate everyone, but everytime there's a BYU game on, our showrooms are filled with students and alumni watching football on our big screen and plasma TVs," commented John Willey, CEO.
Phil Wilapom, a horticulture major from San Baja Rio de Escalante, California, enjoys the atmosphere of the RC Willey showroom in Orem. "My roommates and I try to get there early because on many game days the store is also giving away hot dogs and Pepsi. So we'll hang out at the store and watch the game. It's kind of like being at Applebee's but there's no bar for the drinking UVSC students," said Phil.
"We can't keep this up," said Myrtle Beach, spokeswoman for the retailer. "Our promotional hot dogs and Pepsi are always gone quickly in the Utah County region because of the number of college students in the area." RC Willey and BYU Food Services are in negotiations on ways to ease the influx of students to free promotional weekends. "We don't want our students to be freeloading from local retailers that support our Cougs and contribute to the Alumni association by dialing 1-888-BYU-COUG. We appreciate all that RC Willey has done to make our school better," commented Chester McDowell of BYU Food Services as he wiped mustard from his face and continued to chug Pepsi. "I don't know what it is about the Pepsi that RC Willey serves, but it sure has more of a bite than what we get in East Provo," he said.
SFRCW President "Willie" Myers is disappointed with the retailer's decision to ban students during game day. "Dude, I'm just checking out the plasmas. I plan to buy one when I graduate, so I'm doing my research," explained the Social Economics major. "That's the first thing I'm going to buy," he said. He started the club, Students For RC Willey, as a response to the store's new policy.
"Mr. Myers is in for the shock of his life when he graduates," said John Willey, CEO. "He's going to graduate, realize he doesn't want to live with 21-year-olds whose Taco Bell wrappers stay in the living room of his six-person, one-bath apartment, have his car break down, look for jobs in the Daily Herald classified section and settle for a job at Applebee's and then we'll see how much of a priority that plasma is."
Mr. Willey's comments have been taken harshly by would-be furniture buyers in Utah County. "What do you mean? I love working at Kinkos for 16 hours per week and I'm a good kid, I haven't been arrested," said part-time student and 32-year-old Markus Hankum living at home in Santaquin, Utah who is majoring in microbiology after starting out in political science, changing to organization behavior, dabbling in pre-med, a few semesters abroad in Jerusalem, Guatemala, and Nauvoo. "If he doesn't want our type watching the games, then I'm never buying furniture from there, ever," said Hankum. With furter questioning, Hankum admitted that he has never ever even bought furniture in his life.
In response to the controversy, Provo's LeMar's bar has opened its doors to BYU students. "We offer free admission and all the Coke you want during the game," said LeMar LeVon Wilkensen. "RC Willey may snub its nose, but you're welcomed here. Hell you're even welcomed here during church..."
Phil Wilapom, a horticulture major from San Baja Rio de Escalante, California, enjoys the atmosphere of the RC Willey showroom in Orem. "My roommates and I try to get there early because on many game days the store is also giving away hot dogs and Pepsi. So we'll hang out at the store and watch the game. It's kind of like being at Applebee's but there's no bar for the drinking UVSC students," said Phil.
"We can't keep this up," said Myrtle Beach, spokeswoman for the retailer. "Our promotional hot dogs and Pepsi are always gone quickly in the Utah County region because of the number of college students in the area." RC Willey and BYU Food Services are in negotiations on ways to ease the influx of students to free promotional weekends. "We don't want our students to be freeloading from local retailers that support our Cougs and contribute to the Alumni association by dialing 1-888-BYU-COUG. We appreciate all that RC Willey has done to make our school better," commented Chester McDowell of BYU Food Services as he wiped mustard from his face and continued to chug Pepsi. "I don't know what it is about the Pepsi that RC Willey serves, but it sure has more of a bite than what we get in East Provo," he said.
SFRCW President "Willie" Myers is disappointed with the retailer's decision to ban students during game day. "Dude, I'm just checking out the plasmas. I plan to buy one when I graduate, so I'm doing my research," explained the Social Economics major. "That's the first thing I'm going to buy," he said. He started the club, Students For RC Willey, as a response to the store's new policy.
"Mr. Myers is in for the shock of his life when he graduates," said John Willey, CEO. "He's going to graduate, realize he doesn't want to live with 21-year-olds whose Taco Bell wrappers stay in the living room of his six-person, one-bath apartment, have his car break down, look for jobs in the Daily Herald classified section and settle for a job at Applebee's and then we'll see how much of a priority that plasma is."
Mr. Willey's comments have been taken harshly by would-be furniture buyers in Utah County. "What do you mean? I love working at Kinkos for 16 hours per week and I'm a good kid, I haven't been arrested," said part-time student and 32-year-old Markus Hankum living at home in Santaquin, Utah who is majoring in microbiology after starting out in political science, changing to organization behavior, dabbling in pre-med, a few semesters abroad in Jerusalem, Guatemala, and Nauvoo. "If he doesn't want our type watching the games, then I'm never buying furniture from there, ever," said Hankum. With furter questioning, Hankum admitted that he has never ever even bought furniture in his life.
In response to the controversy, Provo's LeMar's bar has opened its doors to BYU students. "We offer free admission and all the Coke you want during the game," said LeMar LeVon Wilkensen. "RC Willey may snub its nose, but you're welcomed here. Hell you're even welcomed here during church..."
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