Terrorist May Kill You But We Care About Cow Farts

Washington DC--With the looming threat of global warming, the United States is now finding more ways to destroy the atmosphere. This time cow farts are the problem. "Pudging cows will bring down the country quicker than we realize," commented former Vice President Al Gore as he chowed on a burger at Wendy's.

"The studies are inconclusive,"commented Garth Bryner from the Midvale Research Center, a non-profit think tank that operates in a Salt Lake City suburb. "We know that cows fart, we know that they pollute the environment. But we also know that trees clean up the air. What if they fart next to trees instead of in the open?"

Now the backlash against eating beef has begun nationwide. News reports are asking people to cut beef consumption, which in turn will lessen demand from cows. Another approach is to provide better accommodations for cattle. "If cattle are relaxed and not stressed, they fart less," commented Emery County insurance agent and part-time cattle rancher Tyler Jeffs. "I teach my cows, Yoga. They don't have a care in the world. They're cows remember, coooooows."

Carl Sandburg Jr., owner of restaurant chain Carl's Jr., also known as the Cow Butcher of the World, was asked if he expects hamburger demand to decline. "Don't bother me," he commented, "I'm eating."

Researchers from Utah State University are studying ways to harness the methane cow gasses by placing an attachment to the bovines' rear ends and contain the gasses in a plastic holder. "Imagine a larger Culligan water bottle hooked up to each cow," said Agriculture Studies president Ty Colbington. "Then we will safely dispose of those containers, ehhh somehow."

That positive thinking may be easier said than done. "What state will allow the contained cow gasses for disposal?" asked Utah Representative Jim Matheson. "And who wants that traveling through major metropolitan areas? All we need is one derailment and it will be like the train let a giant cow fart." Utah Senator Orrin Hatch says that the disposal will not be an issue. "We can just give it to the Indians," he commented.

Leaders from the animal rights group Moooooove-on.net are upset at the cows' treatment. "We're treating them like animals, or worse."

Some student groups at Utah State have also suggested harnessing the gasses from long-winded politicians. "Why there's more hot air coming from this democratic congress than we've had in a long time," stated Karl Rove, former advisor to President Bush. "I would bet that Harry Reed himself could power Las Vegas for the next decade."

Utah Governor John Huntsman and California Governor Arnold Schwartzenager signed an agreement to elimate trading beef from poluting cows by 2010. When pressed as to what Californians will eat without burgers, the governor commented, "We will eat turkey burgers, chicken burgers, soy burgers, ham burgers, oh wait not hamburgers, but pork burgers." The agreeement states that if any beef is provided from Utah cows, they must be cows that flatuate according to newly set EPA emission standards. "For too long our cows have been unregulated," said the California governor. "If we have to build a fence at the state border to keep these unwanted cows in their home state, then that's what we will do." That's all we need is a mass exodus at our border crossings. It would be a stampede." The governor has authorized the California border patrol to enforce keeping unwanted cows from crossing into the states. "Specifically that means when they ask if you're bringing in fruit from Nevada, they will also ask if you have have any farting cows in your vehicle as well," commented the state spokesman.

"I'd hate to have that job to be the emmissions tester," commented Bryner.