ASTORIA, OR -- The United Brotherhood of Drunker Sailors publicly demanded an apology from presidential candidate Donald Trump for comments he made on NBC’s Today Show this week. Trump likened the out of control spending of the U.S. Federal Government to that of a “drunken sailor.”
“We are united as drunker sailors and take offense to the comments made by Mr. Trump. We demand he apologizes to all drunken sailors in the country and recognize the good that we do,” stated the Union’s spokesman Caleb Wakefield. The statement was concluded with a celebratory toast of whiskey and bourbon and cheering by a crowd of local drunken sailors. “They spent very well tonight,” commented Nick McHenry, owner of the local McHenry’s Tavern in Astoria. “I guess you could say they spent like drunken sailors.”
The Trump campaign did not issue an apology but instead challenged the drunker sailors. “If you want me to apologize, then you can talk to Rosie,” said Trump referring to his long standing feud with Rosie O’donnell. Trump has researched campaign donations to show that the Brotherhood of Drunken Sailors has donated thousands of dollars to Democratic candidates, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. The Sailors have officially discounted this claim stating that they have donated to the campaign of Harry Reed, city councilman in Dutch Harbor, Alaska and also a Drunken Sailor.
There are instances of the Drunken Sailors spending more money than intended. During a fund raising event at Seattle’s Seaside Fish Grotto and Biker Bar last year, the chairman of the Drunken Sailors accidentally donated $250,000 to the Ronald McDonald House instead of the intended $25,000. “I guess when I’m lit up, I tend to add additional zeros to the checks I write,” stated Wes Wilson. “We are very involved in fundraising and in the community, but it’s unfortunate and embarrassing when a check bounces.”
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Dairy Queen Unveils New "Oil Slick" Dessert Treat
MOBILE- From the restaurant that proudly delivers an ice cream dessert in the name of a natural weather event, Dairy Queen officials met Friday with British Petroleum executives in Mobile, Alabama to announce their latest new product to be known as the DQ Oil Slick.
“We are tremendously excited to take an otherwise terrible environmental disaster and turn it into one of the best desserts you will ever have,” said Dairy Queen’s vice president of product marketing and development Herbert Horatio Foster. The dessert is a mix of chocolate ice cream, chocolate frosting, chocolate pudding, chocolate chips, and smothered with chocolate fudge syrup. DQ was very excited to announce that there will be “oil covered surprises” in the dessert in the form of gummy bears and gummy worms. “We do acknowledge the fact that there are not bears in the Gulf of Mexico but if we had gummy birds and fish we would include those.”
“There’s really nothing you can do about the oil in the ocean so we might as well have a dessert while we set up our lawn chairs on the beach,” said Mayble Carslile, a lifetime costal resident. “Look Marge I think we have another duck washing up,” she then hit her friend twice on the upper arm, “that’s four to zero!”
Next week Dairy Queen officials will be meeting with President Obama at White House with what is being called the “DQ Summit.” The president is expected to talk with DQ about more environmentally friendly fast food wrappers and green technology to increase the speed of serving food, cutting costs and will add over 1 million new jobs in the fast food industry within the next 3 months.
“Ummmm I’m not really sure how green technology will translate into all those jobs. We tend to hire high school kids and if they can count money and read correctly, we consider that a bonus,” said Mr. Foster.
“We are tremendously excited to take an otherwise terrible environmental disaster and turn it into one of the best desserts you will ever have,” said Dairy Queen’s vice president of product marketing and development Herbert Horatio Foster. The dessert is a mix of chocolate ice cream, chocolate frosting, chocolate pudding, chocolate chips, and smothered with chocolate fudge syrup. DQ was very excited to announce that there will be “oil covered surprises” in the dessert in the form of gummy bears and gummy worms. “We do acknowledge the fact that there are not bears in the Gulf of Mexico but if we had gummy birds and fish we would include those.”
“There’s really nothing you can do about the oil in the ocean so we might as well have a dessert while we set up our lawn chairs on the beach,” said Mayble Carslile, a lifetime costal resident. “Look Marge I think we have another duck washing up,” she then hit her friend twice on the upper arm, “that’s four to zero!”
Next week Dairy Queen officials will be meeting with President Obama at White House with what is being called the “DQ Summit.” The president is expected to talk with DQ about more environmentally friendly fast food wrappers and green technology to increase the speed of serving food, cutting costs and will add over 1 million new jobs in the fast food industry within the next 3 months.
“Ummmm I’m not really sure how green technology will translate into all those jobs. We tend to hire high school kids and if they can count money and read correctly, we consider that a bonus,” said Mr. Foster.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Price is Right Meets the Biggest Loser
Today I have work off for a holiday and I ended up watching The Price is Right. I was going to comment that I haven’t watched that show in ten years, but it’s probably closer to twenty years. This show is just silly. It’s like a big obnoxious high school pep rally. Not much has changed really, except the host, but it’s still the same prizes and a lot of the same games. I wonder if they still have Plinko. Typically they offer bedroom sets, outdoor solar shower systems, and new cars.
If I was preparing to be a contestant on TPIR, I would check out stores to price out the most common items in the game such as Pine-Sol, Rice-a-Roni, and WD-40. I remember as a kid that the ladies who knew the price of Pine-Sol were always the big winners.
But some of the guessing games are just silly, such as guessing the price of the Chevy Equinox. Is it $23,859 or $23,759? For 100 dollars you can be either humiliated or regarded as the price guessing genius. If I guessed incorrectly, I’d ask to speak with a manager. “Bob it’s okay I’m willing to go the extra hundred dollars, because I really want to get into this vehicle.” The show should add some other elements to make it more exciting such as a used car salesman to help you haggle with the price.
Another great idea is to combine TPIR with The Biggest Loser. I watched that show once until 45 minutes into it, I realized that there is no plot and nothing more will happen than contestants weighing themselves on a big scale. If they combined the two shows, a Biggest Loser contestant will stand on a scale and TPIR guests will guess their weight. “Drew, I think she’s 315 pounds,” and the crowd goes wild. “Now we’re playing higher or lower. Does Don weigh higher or lower than 268?”
And what’s the deal with these expensive vacations? “How much will you bid for a 5-night trip to fabulous Las Vegas?! $4,382 or $4,132?” For me it’s $40 in gas both ways, a fruit pie and corn dog at the gas station, a few dinners eating out, crashing on Ryan’s apartment floor and I’ve cut that expensive vacation down to…..”Drew, I will bid $158.” Whooooo wooooooo.
If I was preparing to be a contestant on TPIR, I would check out stores to price out the most common items in the game such as Pine-Sol, Rice-a-Roni, and WD-40. I remember as a kid that the ladies who knew the price of Pine-Sol were always the big winners.
But some of the guessing games are just silly, such as guessing the price of the Chevy Equinox. Is it $23,859 or $23,759? For 100 dollars you can be either humiliated or regarded as the price guessing genius. If I guessed incorrectly, I’d ask to speak with a manager. “Bob it’s okay I’m willing to go the extra hundred dollars, because I really want to get into this vehicle.” The show should add some other elements to make it more exciting such as a used car salesman to help you haggle with the price.
Another great idea is to combine TPIR with The Biggest Loser. I watched that show once until 45 minutes into it, I realized that there is no plot and nothing more will happen than contestants weighing themselves on a big scale. If they combined the two shows, a Biggest Loser contestant will stand on a scale and TPIR guests will guess their weight. “Drew, I think she’s 315 pounds,” and the crowd goes wild. “Now we’re playing higher or lower. Does Don weigh higher or lower than 268?”
And what’s the deal with these expensive vacations? “How much will you bid for a 5-night trip to fabulous Las Vegas?! $4,382 or $4,132?” For me it’s $40 in gas both ways, a fruit pie and corn dog at the gas station, a few dinners eating out, crashing on Ryan’s apartment floor and I’ve cut that expensive vacation down to…..”Drew, I will bid $158.” Whooooo wooooooo.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Larry the Cable Guy Seeks Presidential Pardon
ATLANTA—Lawyers for Larry the Cable Guy have petitioned President Bush to issue a presidential pardon for Larry’s involvement in steroid abuse. Over the years of the Bush administration, many comedians illegally used HGH also know as Humor Growth Hormone, which helped comedians develop incredibly funny comedy routines.
Larry has denied the use of Humor Growth Hormone although fellow comedians Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engval have testified in congressional hearings that Larry knew the hormone was placed in his food. “We have overwhelming testimony that Larry the Cable Guy willingly took HGH,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada.
Larry testified to the congressional hearing that he was aware that his wife was taking HGH some five years ago. “She was a riot, and if that’s from the HGH, then that’s funny stuff. I don’t care who you are.”
Larry has denied the use of Humor Growth Hormone although fellow comedians Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engval have testified in congressional hearings that Larry knew the hormone was placed in his food. “We have overwhelming testimony that Larry the Cable Guy willingly took HGH,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada.
Larry testified to the congressional hearing that he was aware that his wife was taking HGH some five years ago. “She was a riot, and if that’s from the HGH, then that’s funny stuff. I don’t care who you are.”
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Toaster Central Holiday Sales Expect to Buck National Trend
Las Vegas-Toaster Central is expected to buck the nationwide retail downturn with explosive retail sales during the 2008 holiday season. “We expect toaster sales to be, well, poppin’,” said CEO Garth Bryner who prefers to be called the Toastmaster General.
Toaster Central started as a Las Vegas retail store outlet in 2005 specializing only in toasters. “We had a great piece of land where the main freeway meets the beltway and a very unique concept to sell just toasters,” explained Bryner. The store, however, is not to be confused with “Just Toasters” which is a retail toaster outlet based in Schenectady, New York which services mostly the Northeast. Sales for Just Toaster had plummeted recently and the store may seek congressional funding to survive.
Meanwhile, Bryner’s Toaster Central has been booming at its first Las Vegas outlet. The Toastmaster General has created a name for himself with late-night commercials offering great deals on toasters similar to car ads. “We have blue toaster, red toasters, Elvis toasters, and most recently, the Tim McGraw toaster,” states one of his ads as the Toastmaster is decked out in boots, sport coat and an oversized cowboy hat. The pairing up of celebrity enorsements with the toasters has proven successful, especially in the Las Vegas market. Toaster Central is supposedly working with Miley Ray Cyrus and Taylor Swift on a future toaster deal.
Since the store’s beginning in 2005, they have expanded with 23 other stores mostly in western states, Mexico and Vancouver, Canada. “If there’s one thing that will be around whether the economy is booming or struggling, it’s toast,” explained Bryner.
Toaster Central started as a Las Vegas retail store outlet in 2005 specializing only in toasters. “We had a great piece of land where the main freeway meets the beltway and a very unique concept to sell just toasters,” explained Bryner. The store, however, is not to be confused with “Just Toasters” which is a retail toaster outlet based in Schenectady, New York which services mostly the Northeast. Sales for Just Toaster had plummeted recently and the store may seek congressional funding to survive.
Meanwhile, Bryner’s Toaster Central has been booming at its first Las Vegas outlet. The Toastmaster General has created a name for himself with late-night commercials offering great deals on toasters similar to car ads. “We have blue toaster, red toasters, Elvis toasters, and most recently, the Tim McGraw toaster,” states one of his ads as the Toastmaster is decked out in boots, sport coat and an oversized cowboy hat. The pairing up of celebrity enorsements with the toasters has proven successful, especially in the Las Vegas market. Toaster Central is supposedly working with Miley Ray Cyrus and Taylor Swift on a future toaster deal.
Since the store’s beginning in 2005, they have expanded with 23 other stores mostly in western states, Mexico and Vancouver, Canada. “If there’s one thing that will be around whether the economy is booming or struggling, it’s toast,” explained Bryner.
LooptiStraw Seeks Government Bail-out Funding
Battle Creek, Michigan—As another sign of the beleaguered economy, LooptiStraw is on its way to Washington in an attempt to dip into the government’s bail-out money. “Consider yourself enjoying a soda at a restaurant and your server doesn’t refill your glass,” explained LooptiStraw’s CEO Kevin Kooshamuck. “You keep attempting to draw attention to your empty glass by sucking air through your straw and the ice. That’s what we’re doing. We’re down to the last financial drops in our Coke glass.” The company is expected to ask congress for $28.6 million dollars in loans to keep the company operable and provide the capital infusion needed to survive the economic downturn.
For years, LooptiStraw has enjoyed financial success, but now sales are down and there’s no sign of straw sales picking up. “It’s likely we won’t get any financial help because of our ties to Halliburton,” explained their CEO. LooptiStraw is a Halliburton spin-off from the early 1990s when they decided to get out of the straw business.
“If LooptiStraw thinks they can come into Washington and ask for a fat government contract, they’ve got another thing coming,” explained a President-elect Obama’s spokesperson. “First it’s straws, then it’s credit cards, and student loans, well we will do all that but straws are at the bottom of the list.”
Some within the straw industry question the reasoning for bailing out LooptiStraw. Until recent years, senior executives have enjoyed parties and social events in places from Las Vegas to Europe and Mexico. “They have spent so much money on parties without investing into research and development,” said an executive from a competitive straw company. Meanwhile, Japanese straw manufacturers have developed straws that are less expensive to produce, last longer, and have streamlined production plants to produce products with few defects and with production efficiencies.
Other foreign straw companies have placed pressure on the Michigan-based LooptiStaw with offering more straw designs that are popular with kids and Generation X parents. Some within the industry point to Loopti’s high salaries for senior executives, lack of capital investments into their straw factories, and dealing with a unionized workforce with extreme medical an other benefits, have created a financial strain that they are just now attempting to deal.
Economists say that the $2.84 billion dollar annual straw industry is an important part of the national economy. With the possibility of LooptiStraw’s demise, it will affect some 8,000 straw producer workers from the industrial belt of the U.S. to foreign operations in Mexico, Canada, and Argentina. The company also operates a customer service line based in India. “Just like all the other companies going under, LooptiStraw is likely to be listed with Washington Mutual, Mervyn’s, and all the other great companies who can’t survive our economic downturn,” said Cecil Myer of the think-tank Economic Reality.
For years, LooptiStraw has enjoyed financial success, but now sales are down and there’s no sign of straw sales picking up. “It’s likely we won’t get any financial help because of our ties to Halliburton,” explained their CEO. LooptiStraw is a Halliburton spin-off from the early 1990s when they decided to get out of the straw business.
“If LooptiStraw thinks they can come into Washington and ask for a fat government contract, they’ve got another thing coming,” explained a President-elect Obama’s spokesperson. “First it’s straws, then it’s credit cards, and student loans, well we will do all that but straws are at the bottom of the list.”
Some within the straw industry question the reasoning for bailing out LooptiStraw. Until recent years, senior executives have enjoyed parties and social events in places from Las Vegas to Europe and Mexico. “They have spent so much money on parties without investing into research and development,” said an executive from a competitive straw company. Meanwhile, Japanese straw manufacturers have developed straws that are less expensive to produce, last longer, and have streamlined production plants to produce products with few defects and with production efficiencies.
Other foreign straw companies have placed pressure on the Michigan-based LooptiStaw with offering more straw designs that are popular with kids and Generation X parents. Some within the industry point to Loopti’s high salaries for senior executives, lack of capital investments into their straw factories, and dealing with a unionized workforce with extreme medical an other benefits, have created a financial strain that they are just now attempting to deal.
Economists say that the $2.84 billion dollar annual straw industry is an important part of the national economy. With the possibility of LooptiStraw’s demise, it will affect some 8,000 straw producer workers from the industrial belt of the U.S. to foreign operations in Mexico, Canada, and Argentina. The company also operates a customer service line based in India. “Just like all the other companies going under, LooptiStraw is likely to be listed with Washington Mutual, Mervyn’s, and all the other great companies who can’t survive our economic downturn,” said Cecil Myer of the think-tank Economic Reality.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
FAST CARS AND FREEDOM
Fast cars are expected to drive, well, fast, right? However, if you’ve driven on a freeway in the Desert Southwest, you know that’s not always, and hardly ever, the case. We tend to expect the old Ford Ranger or Chevy Malibu to barely be clunking along, or the 1992 Pontiac Grand Am driving down Rancho Boulevard in Las Vegas on its last leg with a plume of smoke billowing from its exhaust, creating a cloud big enough to stop traffic. So the Corvettes, convertibles, BMWs, Porches, and other high-end cars are expected to have some get up and go. But by the time in your life that you are able to afford such a car, your get up and go has got up and left. Sure, there are some younger folks who were able to buy those cars while in the prime years of 20s and 30s, but now all the real estate agents driving Jaguars while wearing leopard-skin pants with three inch high heels are now trying to date guys not in the mortgage industry to pay for that car purchased during the fat years.
It seems nowadays that these fast cars are being driven by the snowbirds that are decked out in khaki shorts, oversized Hawaiian shirts, tennis visors, sandals with long socks, who are enjoying their retirement and the nice summertime weather in Arizona. As the driver gaggles along in the fast lane cruising at an impressive 45-55mph, always driving 10 miles under the speed limit to avoid a ticket, the line of cars behind him are pulling maneuvers only seen in Nascar races, which they have picked up from the previous weekend. This is how the economy of the modern rat race moves forward, surpassing the guys whose only concern is making it to the Indian reservation casino before the breakfast buffet ends at 11am. By modern calculations of getting up by 4:30am, reading the paper and having coffee, getting onto the freeways in time to be the leader of the freeway bottleneck during the morning commute, the average slow-poke snowbird can still make it to the casino buffet by at least 9am. 64-ounces of Diet Coke and three Cuban cigars later, he makes it to the casino with time to spare.
Now we have tons of speed enforcement cameras popping up along all the major freeways in metropolitan Phoenix. My initial thought is to use these cameras to ticket the lolly-gagger snowbird as he slows modern day progress. But this is hardly the case. Now we are expected to drive at a mind-numbing pace and follow in his slow driving misery as we hail back to the days of 55mph zones of the 1980s, only with tens of thousands of more cars on the roads as compared to then.
Between being watched by law enforcement cameras along the highways, our cell phone calls subject to being tapped, our privacy is slowly being stripped away. But where is the opposition for big brother watching our every move along the roads now, as there was such an outcry of tapping into our phone conversations? Arizona Governor Janet Napalatano has stated that the state revenue from speeding tickets captured by the freeway cameras will bring in some $50 million dollars, which helps to alleviate the several billion dollar state budget shortfall. What an impressive Democratic strategy of economic development by taking small amounts of money from many people creates a lot of money for one group – the government. We should all band together and make sure no one ever gets a ticket from these cameras and they have to take them down because the maintenance costs will be more than the revenue it generates.
At that point, the governor will then have to develop other methods to generate revenue without encouraging something that actually spurs economic development. Perhaps she can implement a “reverse lottery.” This is where the traffic cameras take a photo of your car and you are required, as a citizen of the state, to contribute to the state lottery. I’m sure that could pull in several million as the cameras take a photo of a vehicle every 10 seconds for the random reverse lottery. We could also place used Cool Whip containers at every cashier stand at the supermarkets where people can donate change to the Napalatano government instead of the Ronald McDonald house. If these systems don’t work then we’ll have to resort to “income pooling” in which everyone contributes his or her income to the gigantic state pool. The state gets the first cut and then the rest is re-distributed as determined by a complex computer system with a Cricket Wireless internet card. The money is then sent to everyone’s personal bank account according to the random amount determined by the computer.
I think our best hope is that our governor is drafted into the Obama administration into some sort of unimportant position like Secretary of Agriculture. How long has it been since we’ve even known who that is? And what does he or she do? Perhaps the worst thing that would happen is she would levy a tax on eggs and she can install cameras in every cage-free chicken farm to make sure the chickens have their due process rights before being subject to the execution board.
As for now, I’ll avoid the freeways as much as possible and wonder why in this day and age of cameras and Google Earth, that my truck was stolen from a central Phoenix parking garage in mid-day on a weekend, and we have no pictures of the jerk who took it. But if I drive my car over 60mph there’s going to be a photo of me cruising past some convertible snowbird puffing away at his Cuban while driving in the fast lane and blasting Tony Orlando.
It seems nowadays that these fast cars are being driven by the snowbirds that are decked out in khaki shorts, oversized Hawaiian shirts, tennis visors, sandals with long socks, who are enjoying their retirement and the nice summertime weather in Arizona. As the driver gaggles along in the fast lane cruising at an impressive 45-55mph, always driving 10 miles under the speed limit to avoid a ticket, the line of cars behind him are pulling maneuvers only seen in Nascar races, which they have picked up from the previous weekend. This is how the economy of the modern rat race moves forward, surpassing the guys whose only concern is making it to the Indian reservation casino before the breakfast buffet ends at 11am. By modern calculations of getting up by 4:30am, reading the paper and having coffee, getting onto the freeways in time to be the leader of the freeway bottleneck during the morning commute, the average slow-poke snowbird can still make it to the casino buffet by at least 9am. 64-ounces of Diet Coke and three Cuban cigars later, he makes it to the casino with time to spare.
Now we have tons of speed enforcement cameras popping up along all the major freeways in metropolitan Phoenix. My initial thought is to use these cameras to ticket the lolly-gagger snowbird as he slows modern day progress. But this is hardly the case. Now we are expected to drive at a mind-numbing pace and follow in his slow driving misery as we hail back to the days of 55mph zones of the 1980s, only with tens of thousands of more cars on the roads as compared to then.
Between being watched by law enforcement cameras along the highways, our cell phone calls subject to being tapped, our privacy is slowly being stripped away. But where is the opposition for big brother watching our every move along the roads now, as there was such an outcry of tapping into our phone conversations? Arizona Governor Janet Napalatano has stated that the state revenue from speeding tickets captured by the freeway cameras will bring in some $50 million dollars, which helps to alleviate the several billion dollar state budget shortfall. What an impressive Democratic strategy of economic development by taking small amounts of money from many people creates a lot of money for one group – the government. We should all band together and make sure no one ever gets a ticket from these cameras and they have to take them down because the maintenance costs will be more than the revenue it generates.
At that point, the governor will then have to develop other methods to generate revenue without encouraging something that actually spurs economic development. Perhaps she can implement a “reverse lottery.” This is where the traffic cameras take a photo of your car and you are required, as a citizen of the state, to contribute to the state lottery. I’m sure that could pull in several million as the cameras take a photo of a vehicle every 10 seconds for the random reverse lottery. We could also place used Cool Whip containers at every cashier stand at the supermarkets where people can donate change to the Napalatano government instead of the Ronald McDonald house. If these systems don’t work then we’ll have to resort to “income pooling” in which everyone contributes his or her income to the gigantic state pool. The state gets the first cut and then the rest is re-distributed as determined by a complex computer system with a Cricket Wireless internet card. The money is then sent to everyone’s personal bank account according to the random amount determined by the computer.
I think our best hope is that our governor is drafted into the Obama administration into some sort of unimportant position like Secretary of Agriculture. How long has it been since we’ve even known who that is? And what does he or she do? Perhaps the worst thing that would happen is she would levy a tax on eggs and she can install cameras in every cage-free chicken farm to make sure the chickens have their due process rights before being subject to the execution board.
As for now, I’ll avoid the freeways as much as possible and wonder why in this day and age of cameras and Google Earth, that my truck was stolen from a central Phoenix parking garage in mid-day on a weekend, and we have no pictures of the jerk who took it. But if I drive my car over 60mph there’s going to be a photo of me cruising past some convertible snowbird puffing away at his Cuban while driving in the fast lane and blasting Tony Orlando.
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